Panda-effing-Monium - a Covid Musical, by Kate Herbert 2020 - details & excerpt

Panda-effing-Monium –a Covid Musical

This musical is unproduced as of 2021.

Credits

Book, Lyrics & Melodies by Kate Herbert

Composition / Music by Michael Herbert

Additional lyrics for Botox Blues by Joe Calleri

Story

Panda-effing-Monium is an original play with songs. It charts ten weeks in the emotional rollercoaster life of a family of four in Isolation (‘Iso’) during the COVID-19 pandemic, in 2020.  The play is light-hearted, identification theatre for Australians and others who found novel ways to cope with prolonged lockdown.

Each family member deals with ‘Iso’ differently as restrictions impact their work, home, school and social lives: John, a lawyer working from his home virtual office, relies on humour; Steph, a former journalist now University teacher, struggles to maintain order; sullen teenager, Emmy, keeps to her bedroom, posting selfies and only venturing downstairs to collect online orders; 6 year-old Luca, blissfully unaware of the pandemic problems, provides a child’s naïve wisdom about family dynamics and community behaviours.

The production includes 11 original, memorable songs (plus 2 reprises) that feature witty, topical lyrics and eclectic musical styles.

Songs

1. Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing- Monium – Punk / Ska style
2. Glued to Our Home – Reggae style.
3. Back off Bogan! – Hard Rock style.
4. Hand Sanitiser – Punk / Children’s style.
5. Knock Knock – Ballad / Lament Duet.
6. Home School – Rap style.
7. Emoji Love – Pop-Rock style.
8. Business as Unusual – Funk style.
9. Riding My Bike / My Face, My Hair, My Feet, My Arse – Rhythmic chant.
10. Iso-Troppo – Latin / Cuban style.
11. Botox Blues – Blues style.
12. Glued to Our Home Reprise – Reggae style. 
13. Finale: Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing-Monium – Ska / Punk Style.

 

   

Link to 6 songs in sample recording: Panda-effing-Monium songs

Credits for sample songs:

Composition, Musical Arrangements & Piano by Michael Herbert

Lyrics & Melodies by Kate Herbert

Guitar, Bass, Drums, Sound Engineering & Musical Arrangements by Anthony Rochester

Vocals by Michael Herbert, Kate Herbert with additional vocals by Anthony Rochester

 

Duration

Approx. 90-100 minutes with no interval. 

 

Cast of Zoom Script Reading 26 August 2020

Geraldine Cook, Carole Patullo, Simon Palomares, Jenny Lovell, Maureen Andrew.

______________________________________________________________________

Panda-effing-Monium – a Covid Musical by Kate Herbert 

 Excerpt from Scene One

 

SONG: Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing-Monium – Punk / Ska style.

 

Sung by STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA MAN & WOMAN.

 

Choreography with full cast gives a sense of urgency and fairground madness, with performers ducking and weaving.

 

People ducking, people diving.

People walking, people skiving.

People standing at their gates.

People missing all their mates.

People hopin’ they don’t get caught.

People wishing that they’d bought

More tooooiii-let paper.

Yes, tooooii-let paper.

Who’d have thought it. Who’d have thunk,

That we’d be in such a funk

In 20–20.  In 20–20.

 

It’s a Panda-effing-demic

And it’s Panda-effing-Monium.

PandaMonium PandaMonium PandaMonium PandaMonium.

We just want to leave our home again.

It’s PandaMonium. It’s PandaMonium.

If we just had enough Ammonium

To stop this PandaMonium.

To stop this PandaMonium.

The PandaMonium.

The PandaMonium.

 

Stick it up your arm. Drink it like a Coke.

Swallow it to kill the bug. It’s really not a joke.

It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke.

 

When you’re working in your room,

Taking meetings via Zoom,

Schooling kids at kitchen table,

Doing New Maths if you’re able.

Why not have another drink.

It just might help you to think

More cleeeeear-ly.

Just a bit more cleeeeear-ly.

Who’d have thought it. Who’d have thunk

That we’d be in such a funk

In 20–20. In In 20–20.

 

It’s a Panda-effing-demic

And it’s Panda-effing-Monium.

PandaMonium. PandaMonium. PandaMonium. PandaMonium.

We just want to leave our home again.

It’s PandaMonium. It’s PandaMonium.

If we just had enough Ammonium

To stop this PandaMonium.

To stop this PandaMonium.

The PandaMonium.

The PandaMonium.

 

Stick it up your arm. Drink it like a Coke.

Swallow it to kill the bug. It’s really not a joke.

It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke.

 

LX CHANGE

 

STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA remain on stage. Man and WOMAN exit.

 

SCENE 1

 

STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA stand in a cluster DSC, facing front and staring out at audience. STEPH and JOHN, stand behind EMMY and LUCA.

 

STEPH: (to audience) Day 1. Iso-Diary. And the big doors slam shut on the world as we know it.

 

STEPH: So, now we close the door.

 

JOHN: Say goodbye to the world as we know it kids.

 

LUCA: Goodbye to the world as we know it kids.

 

EMMY: (melodramatic) Save me!

 

STEPH and JOHN close door with a wide sweeping gesture.

 

EMMY: (melodramatic) I’ll die if I can’t see my friends!

 

STEPH /JOHN: You won’t die!

 

JOHN: You might pine away to a wraith-like Goth haunting the upper storey of our home, but you won’t die.

 

LUCA: I don’t want you to die! (hugs EMMY tight)

 

EMMY: (playfully) You’re an idiot! (tousles Luca’s hair)

 

STEPH: Don't call your brother an idiot!

Bully Virus by Kate Herbert 2018 extract

Bully Virus Outline

Workplace bullying is the new virus and Australia is really good at it! We have one of the highest rates in the world! Proud?

Bully Virus is satirical, moving Verbatim Theatre with actors telling real people’s stories about workplace bullying. Many victims escape to new jobs, most take no action against bullies, some seek compensation. However, bullying claims are frequently denied which compounds the victim’s indignity and anxiety.

Bully Virus does not try to tell everyone’s story or even the worst stories, but it shows that, despite the weird anti-bullying initiatives, workplace bullying is alive and well – and hurting workers.

Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo, Geoff Wallis in Billy Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Sample extract of Bully Virus 2018

SCENE 1: BULLY CHAMPIONS

MUSIC: SPORTING ANTHEM STYLE (OK)

ACTORS PLAY THIS SATIRICALLY AS AVID SPORTING FANS / CHEER SQUAD.

ACTORS STAND ON STAIRS: ACTOR 1 (GEOFF) LOW, ACTOR 2 (CAROLE) MIDDLE, ACTOR 3 (JENNY) TOP

ACTOR 1: Congratulations Australia!

ACTORS cheer, clap, encourage audience to join in.

ACTOR 1: You win the Gold Medal for Workplace Bullying!

ACTOR 2: We’re simply the best!

ACTOR 3: We do it better than anybody else! Go team!

ACTORS cheer. They walk downstairs to stage, Complicity with audience, talking directly to them.

ACTOR 1: Almost one in two workers in Australia experience workplace bullying!

ACTOR 2: How about that? Half! Half of us!

ACTOR 3: Oh, we’re gooood! We’re really good at this!

ACTOR 1: World class!...

ACTOR 2: ...at repeated and unreasonable behaviour...

ACTOR 3: ... aggressive and intimidating conduct...

ACTOR 1: ...belittling and humiliating comments...

ACTOR 2:  ...Victimisation...

ACTOR 3: ...Practical jokes...

ACTOR 1: ...Initiation...

ACTOR 2: ...excluding people from work-related activities...

ACTOR 3: And there’s plenty more where that comes from!

ACTOR 3: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! (Celebratory)

ALL:  Oy !Oy! Oy! (Celebratory)

ACTOR 1: And we’re really, really good at writing policies about bullying. Pages and pages of them! Huuuuge policies!

ACTOR 2: With training programs.

ACTOR 3: Online training!

ACTOR 1: We can even train bullies online!

ACTOR 2: What? We have to train them?

ACTOR 3: Well, some people are just naturals.

ACTOR 1: Natural bullies.

ACTOR 2: Well, that’s a talent to be proud of.

ACTOR 3: We’ll bully anyone.

ACTOR 1: Without fear or favour!

ACTOR 2: Equal Opportunity bullies!

ACTOR 3: We should have an institute!

ACTOR 1: The Australian Institute of Bullying!

ACTOR 2: Team Australia!

ACTOR 3: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

ALL:  Oy !Oy! Oy! (grotesque pelvic thrusts etc)

Bully Virus 2018 - Images by Joe Calleri

E-Flyer La mama for Bully Virus Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Bully Virus images & flyer 2018

Postcard for Bully Virus, Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo, 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Jenny Lovell in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Geoff Wallis, Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Carole Patullo in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Geoff Wallis, Carole Patullo, Jenny Lovell in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Geoff Wallis in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Cal

Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo, Geoff Wallis in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Jenny Lovell, Geoff Wallis, Carole Patullo in Bully Virus 2018, pic by Joe Calleri

Bully Virus Reviews, May 2018

Bully Virus  Reviews 2018

1. by Ross Battaglia for Milkbar mag

Bully Virus http://www.milkbarmag.com/2018/05/23/bully-virus/

Posted by Ross Battaglia  23. May, 2018 

Extract of review:

'Directed and written by Kate Herbert, Bully Virus is a satirical yet moving examination of the workplace, uncovering its most scandalous and traumatic moments. Performed outstandingly by Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo and Geoff Wallis, they each play dual roles of HR employee and victim. The show is at its most comical when the trio morph into a sneering HR team, scoffing at various bullying complaints they receive. Dismissing the allegations with a scowling whine, whine, whine, their attitude speaks to the paradox that exists today. On one hand, tomes of anti-bullying materials are produced while on the other, bullying claims are often swept under the carpet.'

2. Samsara Dunston for What Did She Think

http://www.whatdidshethink.com/2018/05/bully-virus-theatre-review.html 

Posted 18 May 2018

 

Extract of review: 
'Bully Virus is the new play currently being performed at La Mama Theatre and I urge everyone to go and see it. Written and directed by renowned theatre director, writer and critic Kate Herbert Bully Virus looks at the endemic problem of workplace bullying.

'Using verbatim techniques, Herbert brings us 5 harrowing stories of workplace bullying. Not surprisingly, there is an over representation of the health industry. More surprisingly perhaps, given everything which has been happening in the Melbourne theatre industry over recent years, there is no representation from that quarter. It is irrelevant though. The collection - along with an array of vox pops - produce a terrifying catalogue of workplace behaviours which are evidently designed to damage the people who have been targeted.'

3. Review By Flora Georgiou for 8 Stage Whispers

http://www.stagewhispers.com.au/reviews/bully-virus 

Posted 17 May 2018

Extract of review:

'Three performers, Jenny Lovell, Carole Patullo and Geoff Wallis, dressed in white-collar attire read from clipboards titled victims and clinically reflect on these cases as in a courtroom. The absent bullies are put on trial and we as the audience members are the unofficial jury.

Herbert has hit the nail on the head with this show, as part of the ongoing current campaign to stamp out workplace bullying and make the workplace safe. An estimated forty per cent have experienced workplace bullying across the country with many people bearing undisclosed secrets that leave them emotionally and mentally scarred.

Hard hitting, with victim stories and voice-overs, with a repetitive chorus line playing on bully tactics used to accuse victims of “whining’, it works well as a pause button from the grueling case histories.'

The Potting Shed by Kate Herbert 1998 excerpt & details

THE POTTING SHED BY KATE HERBERT 1998

 

STORY

An old man lives with a disabled BOY in a potting shed on a large estate. He is evidently a GARDENER and the BOY his assistant. They collect holy relics which the BOY: (who may be called Cain, Abel, Isaac etc) digs up in the grounds daily. They keep them labelled on a shelf in the shed. The BOY is building a wooden thing which may be The Ark, the Crucifix or a Coffin.

Carlotta appears to be the Lady of the Manor, their Mistress although their relationship is not clear. The GARDENER awaits the arrival of his long-lost sister for whom he has been carving wooden dolls for decades since he last saw her.

LOCATION

A gardener's shed surrounded by elaborate gardens visible through small windows. Inside is a shelf with relics on it, two chairs, a table, pot-plants and other gardening paraphernalia.   Wood, hammer and other carpentry tools. A shelf with large Rosary beads, dried bouquets hanging, wood carved dolls, a jar saying 'Lourdes" and a lot of tagged relics and an enormous Book.

CHARACTERS

GARDENER             

50-60ish. Hermit-like. An isolate and a religious fanatic who believes in Relics. Cares for BOY: as his own. Despises Carlotta for no reason apart from her class and her power over them it seems. Their mutual past is revealed later. He is suspicious misogynistic and terrified of seduction. Lives in fantasy about his sister. Carves dolls for her return. Resents his past, blames his parents.

BOY

20-30 years. Intellectually disabled. Can speak but is incomprehensible to all but the GARDENER. He digs every day for Relics, tags and labels them carefully. Adores the gardener, is afraid of CARLOTTA, must live a life of repetition in order to maintain some balance.

CARLOTTA

50ish. A classic beauty who dresses the part in a slightly grotesque version of, say, Grace Kelly. She is a Francophile, obsessed with her appearance having beauty treatments daily. She wields power over the two and hints at past sexual relationship between her and the GARDENER. She seems to own the estate and profits from the Relics, using the two men as servants. Her manipulation is a ploy to stay close to the GARDENER: who is her long-term love.

The Potting Shed premiered in June 1998 at La Mama Theatre

Writer: Kate Herbert

Director: Nancy Black

Cast: Jim Daly, Michael Burkett, Anna McCrossin-Owen

Designer: Simon Barley

Lighting: Mikkel Mynster

Stage Management: Lisa Parris

Flyer Design: Diana Walker

 

WRITER'S NOTE

What can I say? This a play which materialised overnight after I saw an old geezer in a French documentary on SBS who had decided to live in his garden shed until he died. It emerged accompanied by various obsessions of my own: literature, gardens, religious iconography, disfunctional relationships, secrets, grief and loss, - and some things I'd rather not claim ownership of at all and for which I refuse be held responsible. They must have been channelled from the old hermit himself. Vive La France!

Kate Herbert  May 1998

__________________________________________________________________________

THE POTTING SHED by KATE HERBERT

Excerpt from Scene One.

SCENE ONE

The background music is a religious score eg Mass by Mozart or Handel or Bach. It serves to set the religious tone but to satirically underscore the mock portentousness of the relics.

 

The BOY is sawing, hammering, building a wooden thing which could be a small boat.

GARDENER is moving furniture and gardening gear.

Both are wearing workman's overalls.

GARDENER arranges things on shelf: carved dolls, a huge book and a collection of tagged objects. An outsize Rosary hangs from shelf with bunches of dried bouquets.

 Finally GARDENER carefully unwraps an unfinished wooden doll's head from swathes of cloth and watches BOY work.

A window looks onto a lavish garden and statues.

When the BOY speaks he is barely comprehensible because of his disability. We know from the others' responses what he has said.

GARDENER may speak the following as he moves around the shed.

 

GARDENER:  "And the Lord said, 'Build for me a floating Ark that ye may carry all the animals of my kingdom two by two when the cleansing waters do rise and carry away the dross of the world: the sinners, the tormentors, the blasphemers, the - short people. 'Two by two.' I like that. (sings)'The animals marched in two by two. Hoorah! Hoorah!' Very Colonial. (mock Brit) Very British Raj, d'ya know? Funny that Noah should be a Brit. You'd think he'd be a -  well, God moves in mysterious ways.

 

BOY: Mysteries.

 

GARDENER: Later. Mysteries come later, Abel. Are those nails in straight?

 

BOY: Straight.

 

GARDENER stands amongst the bits of wood, holding two pieces up to form sides of a little boat.

 

GARDENER: A little boat to float off to a better world.

 

BOY: Can I come too?

 

GARDENER: You? Come with us? I'll consult with my dear sister Alice when she arrives. Might not be big enough, what with all our two-by-twos. (looks at pieces of wood) Four-by-twos actually, if we're being pedantic.

 

BOY stops his work and stares at the GARDENER a moment then his face begins to crack into tears in slow motion. GARDENER softens as he sees the BOY distressed.