Panda-effing-Monium –a Covid Musical
This musical is unproduced as of 2021.
Credits
Book, Lyrics & Melodies by Kate Herbert
Composition / Music by Michael Herbert
Additional lyrics for Botox Blues by Joe Calleri
Story
Panda-effing-Monium is an original play with songs. It charts ten weeks in the emotional rollercoaster life of a family of four in Isolation (‘Iso’) during the COVID-19 pandemic, in 2020. The play is light-hearted, identification theatre for Australians and others who found novel ways to cope with prolonged lockdown.
Each family member deals with ‘Iso’ differently as restrictions impact their work, home, school and social lives: John, a lawyer working from his home virtual office, relies on humour; Steph, a former journalist now University teacher, struggles to maintain order; sullen teenager, Emmy, keeps to her bedroom, posting selfies and only venturing downstairs to collect online orders; 6 year-old Luca, blissfully unaware of the pandemic problems, provides a child’s naïve wisdom about family dynamics and community behaviours.
The production includes 11 original, memorable songs (plus 2 reprises) that feature witty, topical lyrics and eclectic musical styles.
Songs
- Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing- Monium – Punk / Ska style
- Glued to Our Home – Reggae style.
- Back off Bogan! – Hard Rock style.
- Hand Sanitiser – Punk / Children’s style.
- Knock Knock – Ballad / Lament Duet.
- Home School – Rap style.
- Emoji Love – Pop-Rock style.
- Business as Unusual – Funk style.
- Riding My Bike / My Face, My Hair, My Feet, My Arse – Rhythmic chant.
- Iso-Troppo – Latin / Cuban style.
- Botox Blues – Blues style.
- Glued to Our Home Reprise – Reggae style.
- Finale: Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing-Monium – Ska / Punk Style.
Credits for sample songs:
Composition, Musical Arrangements & Piano by Michael Herbert
Lyrics & Melodies by Kate Herbert
Guitar, Bass, Drums, Sound Engineering & Musical Arrangements by Anthony Rochester
Vocals by Michael Herbert, Kate Herbert with additional vocals by Anthony Rochester
Duration
Approx. 90-100 minutes with no interval.
Cast of Zoom Script Reading 26 August 2020
Geraldine Cook, Carole Patullo, Simon Palomares, Jenny Lovell, Maureen Andrew.
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SONG: Panda-effing-demic / Panda-effing-Monium – Punk / Ska style.
Sung by STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA MAN & WOMAN.
Choreography with full cast gives a sense of urgency and fairground madness, with performers ducking and weaving.
People ducking, people diving.
People walking, people skiving.
People standing at their gates.
People missing all their mates.
People hopin’ they don’t get caught.
People wishing that they’d bought
More tooooiii-let paper.
Yes, tooooii-let paper.
Who’d have thought it. Who’d have thunk,
That we’d be in such a funk
In 20–20. In 20–20.
It’s a Panda-effing-demic
And it’s Panda-effing-Monium.
PandaMonium PandaMonium PandaMonium PandaMonium.
We just want to leave our home again.
It’s PandaMonium. It’s PandaMonium.
If we just had enough Ammonium
To stop this PandaMonium.
To stop this PandaMonium.
The PandaMonium.
The PandaMonium.
Stick it up your arm. Drink it like a Coke.
Swallow it to kill the bug. It’s really not a joke.
It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke.
When you’re working in your room,
Taking meetings via Zoom,
Schooling kids at kitchen table,
Doing New Maths if you’re able.
Why not have another drink.
It just might help you to think
More cleeeeear-ly.
Just a bit more cleeeeear-ly.
Who’d have thought it. Who’d have thunk
That we’d be in such a funk
In 20–20. In In 20–20.
It’s a Panda-effing-demic
And it’s Panda-effing-Monium.
PandaMonium. PandaMonium. PandaMonium. PandaMonium.
We just want to leave our home again.
It’s PandaMonium. It’s PandaMonium.
If we just had enough Ammonium
To stop this PandaMonium.
To stop this PandaMonium.
The PandaMonium.
The PandaMonium.
Stick it up your arm. Drink it like a Coke.
Swallow it to kill the bug. It’s really not a joke.
It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke. It’s not a joke.
LX CHANGE
STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA remain on stage. Man and WOMAN exit.
SCENE 1
STEPH, JOHN, EMMY, LUCA stand in a cluster DSC, facing front and staring out at audience. STEPH and JOHN, stand behind EMMY and LUCA.
STEPH: (to audience) Day 1. Iso-Diary. And the big doors slam shut on the world as we know it.
STEPH: So, now we close the door.
JOHN: Say goodbye to the world as we know it kids.
LUCA: Goodbye to the world as we know it kids.
EMMY: (melodramatic) Save me!
STEPH and JOHN close door with a wide sweeping gesture.
EMMY: (melodramatic) I’ll die if I can’t see my friends!
STEPH /JOHN: You won’t die!
JOHN: You might pine away to a wraith-like Goth haunting the upper storey of our home, but you won’t die.
LUCA: I don’t want you to die! (hugs EMMY tight)
EMMY: (playfully) You’re an idiot! (tousles Luca’s hair)
STEPH: Don't call your brother an idiot!
EMMY: (playfully) He likes it, don’t you, Spud?
EMMY tickles LUCA and he wriggles and giggles.
STEPH: He’s only little.
LUCA: (giggling) I’m six!
EMMY tickles LUCA and he wriggles and giggles.
EMMY: (playfully) Then you’re a six-year old idiot!
LUCA wriggles away for EMMY, still giggling.
LUCA: You’re a Covidiot!
STEPH, JOHN, EMMY stare at him.
STEPH: Where did you learn that word?
LUCA: Timmy’s Mum shouted it at someone outside the school gates yesterday.
JOHN: Just as well the schools are closed, then.
STEPH: What’s a Covidiot, darling?
LUCA: It’s when you… It’s a… I don’t know what a Covidiot is.
EMMY: (playfully) See? Idiot!
EMMY playfully tickles LUCA who squeals and giggles and wriggles.
JOHN: Stop it, Em!
EMMY: (adamant) But he likes it!
JOHN: Stop it, anyway!
EMMY: (mumbles) Covidiot.
EMMY huffs, turns to exit but tickles LUCA as she passes him. He giggles, EMMY exits upstairs huffily. She stands, listening, at top of stairs throughout the following dialogue.
STEPH and JOHN look at each other then turn to audience.
JOHN: (to audience) Covidiot.
STEPH: (to audience) A definition.
JOHN: (to audience) Person who stands too close.
STEPH: (to audience) Doesn’t adhere to social distancing of 1.5 metres.
JOHN: (to audience) Doesn’t frequently wash hands for 20 seconds.
STEPH: (to audience) Doesn’t frequently apply hand sanitiser after touching – anything.
JOHN: (to audience) Hoards toilet paper…
STEPH: (to audience) Pasta…
JOHN: (to audience) Flour…
STEPH: (to audience) Coughs accidentally…
JOHN: (to audience) Or intentionally…
STEPH: (to audience) On others.
JOHN: (to audience) Doesn’t use a tissue.
STEPH: (to audience) Or cough into their elbow…
JOHN: (to STEPH) That’s revolting.
STEPH: (to JOHN) I'm never doing that!
JOHN: (to audience) Ignores all health warning.
STEPH: (to LUCA) In other words…
JOHN: (to LUCA) Everybody…
JOHN /STEPH: (to LUCA) Except us!
LUCA: So, everybody is a Covidiot except us!
STEPH / JOHN: Yeah. Pretty much.
EMMY tiptoes down the stairs quietly, stops upstage, glaring at her parents.
EMMY: (tetchy) Are you talking about me?
Continues _______________________________
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